Padfoot, Prongs and Furry Little Problems
by Inky74
Summary: The totally mad confessions of Remus Lupin. Remus is a 15 year old who has 6 things very wrong with his life ranging from never having been kissed to going to a party dressed as a stuffed olive. But really when has life ever been easy for a gay werewolf?
1. Chapter 1

_**AUTHOR NOTES:**This fic isn't written in my usual writing style because I have copied the style from one of my favorite books **Angus, Thongs and Full-Frontal Snogging, **which is part of the** Georgia Nicolson **series of books by_**_ Louise Rennison._ **

_This fic is a result of me re-reading the Georgia Nicolson books and reading too much Remus/Sirius fics._

_I wrote this for fun and because I couldn't get it out of my head so don't take it too seriously. _

_**DISCLAIMER: **__The writing style and some of the plot ideas come from the book Angus, Thongs and Full-Frontal Snogging so they unfortunately belong to the wonderful Louise Rennison. The characters are the fantastic J.K Rowling's creation so I don't own them either. _

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**Padfoot, Prongs and Furry Little Problems**

**Tuesday 26****th**** December **

**4:35am **

**The Gryffindor fifth year boys' dormitory **

I have made a complete and utter fool of myself.

To be fair all of the Marauders made complete fools of themselves today/yesterday, which isn't surprising considering the amount of firewhisky James managed to smuggle in to the Christmas Party. However, unfortunately for me I made a complete prat of myself way before I got around to drowning my sorrows in alcohol. Therefore I acted like a complete sober idiot, which in some ways is much worse than a drunken idiot because at least then you can blame in on the alcohol.

I on the other hand blame everything solely on my supposed best friend Sirius Black.

**4:47am**

There are six things very wrong with my life:

1. I am fifteen years old and I have never been kissed or even had a boyfriend (yes, I said BOYFRIEND, which leads me smoothly onto my next point…)

2. I am gay, (which incidentally seems to make point number one harder to achieve, because seriously how am I supposed to know which guys are gay and which aren't so I know who I can kiss? I asked Lily this and apparently gay guys are just supposed to know! This is obviously complete rubbish because I have no clue.)

3. I am a teenage werewolf (I bet you are shocked that something that is so hugely wrong with my life is only my middle point, I bet you are thinking; _surely it should be first or last to increase the shock factor. _Well I am sorry to disappoint you, but I have been a werewolf for TEN YEARS now so I am kind of used to it.)

4. I have a huge ugly scar right across my face! (I am used to having scars all over my body, but on my face! It is awful all red and raw and it has horribly ruined the little looks I had. It does_ not_ however look sexy, whatever Sirius says and I will _not _be having _all the poofs in the land throwing themselves at me _because of the sexiness of it.)

5. I am currently sharing my bed (which is meant for ONE person) with three other boys who have all passed out from consuming large amounts of alcohol. (It seems to be a strange tradition among the marauders to all pass out on the same bed after being drunk. I have no idea why it always has to be _my_ bed though…. actually yes I do. It is because if we all slept ins someone else's bed I would almost defiantly get up and sleep in my own bed, effectively breaking 'tradition', therefore I have to put up with three half-naked oafs in my bed, oh the joy….NOT.)

6. I went to the Christmas Party dressed as a stuffed olive, (where I saw the Sex God for the first time and he saw me for the first time gawking at him like an idiot, dressed as a stuffed olive and you know what they say about first impressions…..Ahhh!! MY LIFE IS OVER!!)

**5:15am **

Peter is lying on my legs so that they have gone numb and I can't move. I have tried moving him several times, but with James and Sirius helpfully preventing the use of my arms it is virtually impossible.

Oh well, while I am stuck here I may as well reminisce about the awful events of yesterday's Christmas ball, therefore I can remember exactly why I am going to kill Sirius once he wakes up.

Although it had been James's idea to go to the party dressed up as pieces of food, it had been Sirius's idea for all four of us to go as stuffed olives. I wouldn't have minded so much if I could have dresses up as a bar of chocolate or something, but a stuffed olive…..what is that about? Therefore I naturally refused to co-operate with Sirius's so called 'genius' plan and insisted that I was going to go as something _normal_ like a chocolate bar, or candy floss or a banana on roller-skates….or something.

However, unfortunately for me, James and Peter thought that going as stuffed olives would be hilarious, therefore I was forced to go to the Christmas Party dressed in one of the strange costumes that Sirius had made for us, (and when I say forced, I literally mean _forced._ Sirius actually sat on me and dressed me in it!)

When we made our grand entrance into the great hall, _everyone _turned to stare at us, (which incidentally had been exactly what Sirius had been hoping for) it was so embarrassing being seen looking so stupid that there was almost no need for my red face paint (which was supposed to look like the stuffing part of the stuffed olive) because I was blushing so hard.

And typically as luck would have it, that was when I first laid eyes on….HIM.

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_**AUTHOR NOTES: **__Thank you for reading, please tell me what you think, would you like to read more? _

_PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE REVIEW!! _


	2. Chapter 2

_**AUTHOR NOTES: **__I am not sure how good this chapter is, but it was a lot of fun to write and it really cheered me up writing it! So I hope you enjoy it too!_

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**Still Tuesday 26****th**** December**

**5:24am**

There he was; the one and only Sex God.

I had never seen anyone looking so gorgeous in all my life. My mouth fell open and I just stared, I stared as though my life depended on it.

He was dresses as an angel, or maybe I should say he was undressed as an angel because he didn't seem to be wearing very much at all. His bare chest was on full display and his tiny white skirt-type-thing made the most of his long muscular legs. (It was so revealing that I think that the only reason that he got away with wearing such an outfit was because McGonagall kind of liked it (don't deny it McGoogles, I saw you eyeing him up.))

I could only partially see his face as it was slightly obscured by his golden locks and he was sort of half-turned away from us, deep in conversation with the person standing next to him.

At that moment I thanked God that he hadn't already seen me and I was busy planning my escape route so that I could go and change into something more normal so that the Sex God would never have to see me dressed as a stuffed olive, when Sirius opened his mouth.

"Behold, The Maraudering Stuffed Olives; the most mischievous stuffed olives in all the land! These fabulous costumes are made by none other than my wonderful self; the great Sirius Black, otherwise known as the most fantastic, good looking, amazing person in the entire world!"

As Sirius's voice echoed around the hall, the Sex God turned round to see what was going on. He took in the view of our ridiculous costumes, then, I swear to God, he looked me straight in the eye. All the blood in my body rushed to my face and my heart started beating so fast that it felt like my chest was about to burst open. After what felt like a year, (but was most likely only a couple of seconds) he broke eye contact and raised an eyebrow as if to say; _what strange things these kiddies come up with, but I am too mature to find such things funny. _Then he slung his arm over his friend's shoulders (who was dressed as Robin Hood and wearing tights, which was NOT a good look with those legs) and walked away leaving me looking like an idiot in a stuffed olive costume with my mouth open like a goldfish.

**4 seconds later**

Which is exactly what I was if you think about it.

**5:53am**

I wonder what year he is in. I would guess probably 7th from the way he acted.

If he is in 7th year I must become more mature quickly.

I will start tomorrow.

**6:02am**

Sirius's nose is very hard and pointy. It is like a triangle, a very sharp triangle, a very sharp triangle which is currently digging itself into my chest.

I will have a nose-shaped hole there in the morning.

**6:10am**

So on with the remembering of the tales of horror from last night.

Once everyone had got over seeing four fifteen year olds dresses as stuffed olives they pretty much ignored us and the Marauders soon dispersed, as the Marauder leaders (or should I say the people who _think _they are the Marauder leaders, but really are _not_) went off to find more ways to attract attention.

I stayed pretty close to the Sex God all night. I know staying near him seems like a rather strange and weird thing to do but I couldn't help it, it was like there was a magnetic force which was drawing me towards him. The more I saw him the more I liked him, everything about him seemed perfect. I was just wondering whether I had a chance with him, (also known as; wondering if he is gay or not) when I got the shock of my life as I saw him lean in and kiss his 'friend' in tights, Robin Hood.

I just stared in horror as I watched _my _Sex God suck the face off some other guy! I only snapped out of my trance when someone came up behind me and whispered in my ear;

"Well at least he likes guys; it would have been a lot worse if you had been mooning over a straight guy all evening."

After almost having a heart attack I turned to talk to Lily, trying to look as though someone dressed as a devil sneaking up on me and whispering advice into my ear wasn't positively alarming.

"Hey! I haven't been mooning over him. Although I suppose you _are_ right, at least he _is_ gay. Although I really cannot see why someone who is obviously such a Sex God is going out with someone with weedy little legs like that!"

Lily laughed.

"Well I suppose it is up to you to make him change his mind," she said, "and if you don't know already his name is Fabian Prewett. Although really I can't believe you haven't noticed him before, he _is _a Gryffindor after all, but I suppose the fact you haven't noticed him just backs up my theory that boys walk around with their eyes closed."

Lily would have told me more but she spotted James coming our way so she had to make a run for it.

That girl amazes me, I swear she can sense James from over a hundred meters away, she is a genius.

**6:22am**

Oh great, now Mr. Triangle-nose is slobbering on me in his sleep.

He is absolutely disgusting.

**6:25am**

So anyway, about an hour after my conversation with Lily I ran into Sirius, outside the Great Hall. (When I say ran into, I literally mean ran into.)

"Hello my fellow Stuffed Olive, how are the baby Olives doing, not making any trouble for their poor Mummy Olive are they?" He said, swaying slightly on the spot (probably a side effect from too my firewhisky).

"Sirius, what in the name of Merlin's undercrackers are you talking about?"

"I...was…asking," Sirius begun slowly, as if he was talking to a complete moron, "how…our…babies…are."

"Sirius, we don't have any babies."

"Oh," he seemed to think for a moment, "Well, we had better make some then hadn't we?" He gave me a scary grin and winked suggestively, as though I was supposed to actually understand the nonsense he had said. When I didn't show any sign of a reaction to his mad ramblings he just rolled his eyes and kissed me on the forehead, then slammed me up against the wall. Unfortunately for us the wall was actually a door that was just pretending to be a wall, therefore it flew open suddenly under our combined weight resulting in both of us crashing to the floor in a small corridor and revealing two very embarrassed and annoyed people.

The Sex God was there sandwiched between the wall and Weedy Robin and to make matters even worse he had his hand up the Weed's shirt.

The Sex God pulled himself away from his 'friend' and looked at me. He looked at me while I was on the floor, with Sirius on top of me and dressed as a stuffed olive.

And that is why I am going to kill the one named Sirius Black as soon as he wakes up.

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_**AUTHOR NOTES: **__Unfortunately there won't be another update for at least another 2 and half weeks because I am going on holiday to Spain! But I will try and update as soon as I come back._

_Please tell me what you think and REVIEW! I would love to know your thoughts and suggestions. _

_Constructive criticism welcome. _


	3. Chapter 3

_**AUTHOR NOTES: **__I am back from holiday, but I am tired so this chapter isn't that great. I promise I will try and post a better chapter soon._

_Please review, I would really love to know your thoughts! _

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**Wednesday 27****th**** December **

**11:04am**

Sirius is the most irritating person on the planet. He spent the whole of yesterday fast asleep, with his pointy nose and his drool, and then, when he finally came back to the world of the living, he just point blank refused to take the blame for the tragic events of the Christmas party.

He is so unreasonable!

If that wasn't bad enough he then had the cheek to say that everything was entirely my fault anyway because I was stupid enough to be friends with loonies like himself!

**2:26pm **

I talked to Lily and she said that although it was totally Sirius's fault I shouldn't be annoyed with him because if he hadn't managed to make a fool out of me, I would have managed to make a fool out of myself all on my own anyway.

Well thanks for that Lily, that was a real confidence boast, I'm glad that you obviously have so much faith in me.

**2:30pm**

I wouldn't have made a fool out of myself.

I am not a fool.

Sirius is a fool.

**2:31pm**

And so is Lily.

**Thursday 28****th**** December **

**4:25pm**

I haven't seen the Sex God since the Christmas Party. I wonder where he is; doesn't he hang around in the common room like a normal person? I would ask Lily if she knows where he is, but I am ignore-vousing her. Although I don't think she has noticed yet because I haven't had a decent chance to ignore her since our conversation yesterday.

**7:05pm **

I finally managed to catch up with Lily to ask her whether she knew where the Sex God was hiding, and she just stared at me like I was a complete imbecile for about five minutes before talking, which funnily enough that didn't make me feel any better about myself.

"He is Head Boy," she said in a tone of voice that suggested that I should have already known that. (Yes, I don't know who the Head Boy is, so what, it's a big school, I shouldn't be expected to know everything about every single person.)

"Erm, so?" I said, not seeing why this stopped him from being in the common room.

"What do you mean so? God Remus, sometimes I think you are the stupidest person I have ever met!" Lily snapped, her eyes blazing. I really do need to remember not to cross this girl; she goes scary over the smallest things.

"Yeah, but then you remember Astonishingly Dim Monica and realize that I'm not that stupid after all," I grinned sheepishly, hoping that she would calm down and tell me the point to this conversation.

Lily rolled her eyes and sighed heavily.

"He is Head Boy, therefore he has his own room and his own space, which means he would probably rather spend time there than in a room full of annoying brats and complete fools!"

Good point, well made.

**Saturday 30****th**** December **

**10:59am**

**Gryffindor Common Room **

I still haven't' seen the Sex God in the common room or anywhere around the school. It would help if I knew where the Head Boy's rooms were, but when I asked James he said that he wasn't going to give me directions just so that I could go and stalk someone. Personally I thought that, that was a bit hypocritical coming from the person who memorized Lily Evans's time-table just so that he could follow her to every lesson, but oh well; I will just have to find out by myself.

**11:45pm **

We have just been to hell and back smuggling enough fire-whisky for tomorrow night. If only Peter had mastered the hover charm successfully, then he wouldn't have dropped a whole crate of the stuff almost directly outside Filch's office. If it hadn't been for my quick thinking and James's invisibility cloak we would have almost defiantly been skinned alive, which would not have been a very good way to turn up to our own New Years Eve party, but, as Sirius pointed out, it would have topped the stuffed olive costumes.

**11:46pm **

Oh God, Sirius has just managed to get himself stuck in the window, I had better go and help him.

**11:56pm**

Sometimes I wonder what it would be like to have a simple life, but I would probably have to disown my friends to find out.

**11:57pm **

That's not a bad idea actually.


	4. Chapter 4

_**AUTHOR NOTES:**__Thank you so much to everyone who reviewed, I love you all! _

_This chapter doesn't have much about the Sex God again, but I promise it does have a point, (sort of). _

_Furthermore I don't know if Americans use the word 'fringe' which I mention in this chapter, I think they (you) may call a fringe, bangs. _

_Hope you enjoy this chapter. _

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**Sunday 31****st**** December**

**Gryffindor Common Room **

**10:02pm**

Our wonderful New Year's Eve party is in full swing and as per usual no one seems very appreciative. All our fellow Gryffindors just seem to take it for granted that the Marauders will provide food, music, decorations and most importantly fire-whisky every New Year and they don't seem to give a single thought to how much effort we put into it. I have no idea why we bother! Well actually I do know why we bother, it is because if we do things like this often enough everyone will love us for it and as I well know my fellow Marauders do love to be loved, especially James.

Speaking of James, he doesn't look very happy at the moment. I think it may be because the only person he truly wants to be loved by is deep in conversation with a handsome boy of whom I have never seen before. (Well I may have seen him before, but he is probably a Hufflepuff or something, which is obviously why I haven't noticed him until now.)

**10:14pm **

James must have had enough of just staring at Lily because he came over to me to complain about her.

"Look at her," his annoying voice whined in my ear. "Look at her, she is flirting with him. She is flirting with another boy at _my_ party." Although all I really wanted to do was point out that it wasn't actually James's party, but the Marauders' party, I restrained myself as I realised that probably wouldn't have achieve anything, and instead I just did what James had told me to do.

Lily was indeed flirting with the Mystery Boy; she was leaning incredibly close to him, one hand on his arm and the other playing with her fringe.

Wait a second, since when did Lily have a fringe? I swear she didn't have one last time I spoke to her, but then again she must have done because it is very unlikely that she grew one in the last forty five minutes.

**10:38pm**

Now I have noticed that Lily has a fringe it is annoying the _hell_ out of me, it is all flicky and strange and she _keeps_ PLAYING with it!

**10:52pm **

I couldn't stand it any longer.

"Stop flirting with that guy in front of James and for the love of God, STOP PALYING WITH YOUR FRINGE!"

"What?"

"You keep playing with your fringe; it is so irritating it is almost as bad as James running his hand through his hair like a complete prat! Since when did you have a fringe anyway?"

"I have had this fringe since September," Lily snapped icily, looking a lot more offended than was necessary, "and that boy I was supposedly _flirting_ with is Gideon Prewett, the brother of _your_ Sex God, I _was_ going to help you, but if I'm not allowed to talk to other boys in front of your idiot friend, I won't bother!"

Ooops!

**5 seconds later **

As soon as Lily stomped off, James came running up to me and starting talking at me before I could find an escape route.

"I saw you talking to Lily. Did she say anything about me? Who is that guy she is with? What year is he in? Does she fancy him? Is she going out with him? If he hurts her I will kill him! Why does she prefer him to me? What's wrong with me? I'm great, everyone knows I'm great, everyone except for her. You think I'm great, don't you Remus? You would fancy me if you were gay, wouldn't you? Wait a minute, you are gay, do you fancy me Remus? Hey Remus…"

And so on until I was forced to hex him just to get him to shut up.

**Monday 1****st**** January **

**4:35am**

**The Gryffindor fifth year boys' dormitory**

I am currently sharing my bed (which is meant for ONE person) with three other boys who have all passed out from consuming large amounts of alcohol. To make matters worse, Peter is lying on my legs so that they have gone numb and I can't move.

I don't know if it is just because I am still slightly drunk from last night, but I have a strange sense of De ja vu at the moment. I am sure that I was in the same situation not too long ago.

**4:40am **

Oh well, I was probably imagining things.

Back to sleep.

**5:57am **

Uh, I have a splitting headache; I have a sneaky suspicion that I may have drunk too much last night.

God, I feel like crap.

**6:14am **

Wait a minute, what actually happened last night?

I can't even remember counting down to midnight.

**6:15am **

And why am I covered in huge purple and green spots?

**6:27am**

Sirius is bloody drooling on me again.

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**__**AUTHOR NOTES: **__I would love to know what you like and dislike about my fic, so please review! _


	5. Chapter 5

_**AUTHOR NOTES: **__Thank you to everyone who reviewed I really do love to read you comments!_

_I'm sorry I took much longer than I thought I would to write this chapter! That is because I had no idea where Remus got his green and purple spots from, so it took me a while to think up this chapter._

_This chapter doesn't have much point, but I actually know what I am writing in the next chapter and that does have a point and the Sex God is in it! So I will try and write that soon! _

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**Still Monday 1****st**** January **

**11:42am**

James laughed his head off at my lovely new purple and green spots.

"And you can't even remember how you got them!" He spluttered. "Hahahaha, you must have been so drunk last night to have forgotten everything, you complete light weight!"

However he did eventually shut up when I asked him if he remembered anything that happened after 11 o clock last night, because by the look on his face he obviously didn't.

**12:04pm**

Sirius also has the spots which is good because he is bound to know how he got them (he has this weird ability to be able to remember everything he does, however drunk he gets), however I have no way of asking him because it doesn't look like he will be waking up anytime this century.

**9:25pm**

Around dinner time I became starving hungry so I decided to venture out of the dormitory for dinner. I had been out for about five minutes when somebody loudly asked why the hell I was covered in coloured spots, and everyone in the common room turned to stare at me.

It is highly unnerving having about twenty faces stare at you waiting for you to answer a question, which you have no idea what the answer is. So when I heard Sirius's voice yell, "Hey, Moony," and everyone's attention turned to him and his own purple and green spots (because no one knew what a Moony was and had no idea that he was actually talking to me), I should have been quite thankful. However as soon as he yelled the word Moony I had a weird feeling that he was going to jump on my back, but he didn't, so instead of feeling thankful I just stood there trying to figure out why I had thought that.

And then it all came back to me.

Memory is a funny thing, one tiny word could be the trigger to remember a years worth of events, however in my case the one tiny word (Moony) was the trigger for me to remember what happened yesterday evening.

**9:35pm**

Sirius has just set fire to his bed and I had to help him put it out. He said that he had been "practicing" , what I want to know is why the hell was he practicing setting fire to his bed and why the hell does he still need to practice because he has got it right so many times before?

**9:40pm**

So anyway strangely enough Sirius being annoying helped me recall the events of New Years Eve, which is ironic because Sirius being annoying ended up being the main reason why I managed to get covered in spots in the first place.

It was almost midnight and everyone one was getting excited and I was standing there talking to a (very hot) sixth year, when suddenly I heard a yell of "MOONY", then I almost fell over as Sirius jumped on me and wrapped his arms around my neck giving me a sort of backwards hug.

"Don't call me that," I said grumpily pushing him off. 'Moony', was a nickname Sirius had been trying out for the last few weeks, usually I don't mind him calling me stupid names too much, but for some reason at that moment it had slightly annoyed me.

"Aww sorry Remmy-kins," Sirius said in a baby voice, still keeping one arm around my shoulders. "So, do you have anyone to kiss at midnight?"

I shook my head, of course I didn't, the only person I wanted to kiss was the Sex God, hadn't Sirius been listerning to me for the past week?

I really hate the tradition that you have to kiss someone at midnight, it was obviously made up by some loved up moron who wanted to find yet _another_ way to humiliate us singletons.

"Yeah me neither. What about you find me someone to kiss at midnight and I find you someone."

"No." As far as I was concerned it was a stupid idea and I wasn't that bothered about kissing anyone at midnight.

"Why not?"

"I'm not kissing anyone at midnight because I only want to kiss my Sex God."

"Ok, fine. You find me someone then."

"No."

"Please, otherwise I will have no one to kiss. If you don't find me anyone I will have to kiss you."

"Eww, no Sirius, go away!"

"Oh look twenty seconds to midnight, find me someone."

"No."

"Fine, here comes the kissy train, ten seconds."

"Haha very funny, six seconds to go, find yourself someone else."

"Three, two, one."

Suddenly Sirius launched himself at me, I stepped aside but being drunk, I lost my balance, and he lost his balance and unfortunately we landed directly on top of someone's new box of practical jokes resulting in white powder exploding from it covering us in it.

I can safely say I have found the cause of the purple and green spots, although I still have no idea how to get rid of them.

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_**AUTHOR NOTES: **__Thank you for reading, this random and pointless chapter! I will try and write the next chapter soon. _

_Please review, I always want to know what you think even if it isn't good! _


	6. Chapter 6

_**AUTHOR NOTES: **I am very sorry that I took so long to update! I have been very busy with school and coursework for the past month. _

_I will try and update much more often now I have completed my sociology coursework._

_I am also very sorry that I didn't reply to any of the reviews I got for the last chapter, even though I do really appreciate them. Thank you so much to anyone who did review!_

_Enjoy this chapter._

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**Thursday 4****th**** January **

**The Gryffindor Boy's Dormitories**

**In Bed **

**4:04am**

Although Sirius has been an animagus for well over two months now, I don't think I will ever manage to get used to being woken up at 4 o' clock in the morning by a dog the size of a bear jumping on me!

**4:07am **

Uh, I think I have dog saliva in my hair; I will never get to sleep now.

**4:07am **

Zzzzzzzzzzzz

**8:40am**

Oh no, oh no, I overslept!

Class starts in twenty minutes and our first lesson is with McGonagall, she will most likely breath fire if we are even half a second late for the start of the new term!

**8:41am **

Where are my trousers, oh Merlin, oh Merlin, McGonagall is going to kill me!

Where the hell are my trousers?

"Help me find my trousers Sirius! I am supposed to be a _Prefect _I can't turn up to transfiguration without any trousers on!"

"Of course you can Moony my darling; in fact it is a great idea! If you have no trousers on my lovely Minnie-Gonagall will be so mesmerised by your gorgeous legs that she will forget to yell at us for being late again."

"Shut up Sirius, I am stressed out here; this is not the time to be unfunny."

"Oh sorry, I thought it _was_ the time to be unfunny. I was saving all my unfunny energy up for this moment in time, and _now_ I learn that it actually is _not_ the time to be unfunny! Alas, my life's work is ruined!"

"Shut up you complete prat you're not even making any sense! Grr, why didn't Potter and Pettigrew wake us up? And why are you sitting there topless without even bothering to look for your shirt?"

"I don't really feel like wearing a shirt today. I haven't gone topless to lesson in yonks. I am starting to be afraid that Minnie might have forgotten what my gorgeous body looks like, and _that_ my dear Moony would be a tragedy."

"For Merlin's sake Sirius, stop talking crap, put a bloody shirt on and help me find my blood trousers! If I knew where my wand was I would so hex you right now."

"Wait a second; you don't know where your wand is?"

"No but…oh FUCK! Where's my wand?"

**8:48am**

Ok, ok, I am calm now. We still have time to get to lesson, I am calm, I am clam. I have found my trousers (under my bed) and my wand (under James's bed) and Sirius has found his shirt (shoved at the back of his chest of draws), so everything is good, goooood.

I am calm.

If we hurry we might even be able to grab some toast for breakfast, I am calm, we have plenty of time.

"Oy Moony, where's your tie?"

Dammit!

**8:55am**

Found tie, have everything I need, five minutes until the start of lesson.

Transfiguration classroom is on the other side of the school but we will get to lesson on time if we run (hopefully).

Bugger, why is this castle so bloody big?

**8:54am **

Run, run, bugger, bugger, pant, pant.

Almost there.

**9:10am**

Just as we were running down the transfiguration corridor we ran smack bang into…the Sex God, He looked DIVINE in his uniform. He must have had a free period or something because he was with a few mates, having a laugh and just strolling coolly along. He just raised an eyebrow and looked at me and said, "You're keen." I could have died.

My only hope is that a) he didn't recognise me and b) if he did recognise me he likes the 'flushed, stupid idiot' look in a person.

_And_ after all _that _trouble we were still about five seconds late for transfiguration (which I have to admit was mainly my fault because I stood stock still for at least two minutes looking like someone who has completely lost his gorm after the Sex God actually _spoke to me_) and McGonagall took ten points from Gryffindor from _each_ of us! I am so annoyed, personally I don't believe that you should be allowed to take points away from prefects, especially perfectly well behaved ones such as myself.

**In Charms **

**10:30am **

After Transfiguration I asked James what I looked like in small hope that I didn't look too terrible in front of the Sex God.

Unfortunately James just laughed and said; "I'm sorry to say mate but you looked better with the purple and green spots, it's a shame you managed to get rid of them."

Peter nodded in agreement, "Yeah mate, you do look pretty bad this morning, especially your hair, what have you got in it, slime?"

Oh crap, I had forgotten about the dog's drool.

**4:45pm **

I finally managed to get Sirius's stupid animagus form's drool out of my hair.

James was right, I did look better with the spots, which incidentally I only managed to get rid of yesterday (with no thanks to Sirius who worked out how to get rid of them in about five seconds and left me to fend for myself in the library).

Will I ever go a day without looking like a complete prat?

**4:50pm**

Probably not, my life seems to be doomed!

**6:20pm **

No Sirius! Bad dog! Don't get drool in my hair; I need to go to dinner in a minute!

**6:22pm **

Dog's slobber tastes bad.

* * *

_**AUTHOR NOTES: **__So did you like this chapter, dislike this chapter, love the whole fic, hate the whole fic? Please review and tell me what you thought! _

_I will try and update the next chapter soon! _


	7. Chapter 7

_**AUTHOR NOTES: **Thanks so much for all the reviews and the adds to alerts and favorites. _

_I hope you enjoy the chapter._

**Friday 5****th**** January **

**7:55am **

**The Great Hall- breakfast**

I am up bright and early today; I even have my trousers on, which is a good sign.

However there is absolutely no sign of the other three marauders, oh well I'm sure they will be here soon, back to my toast.

**7:56am **

Toasty, toast, toast, toast.

**7:57am **

This piece of toast looks like it has a picture of a dog melted into the butter on it.

Aww, the dog looks a bit like Sirius when he has transformed, "Hello little toasty Sirius dog."

Hmm, I wonder if you can see your future in toast like you can in tea leaves. I will have to ask James, he took Divination so he should know.

**7:58am**

Hmm, if you _can _see your future in toast this toast is probably pretty accurate because it is showing a big blobby dog next to another big blob, which I think suggests that a dog is going to drool in my hair. This is very likely to happen again as it has happened at least ten times already.

**7:59am**

Or maybe toast tells the past and _not _the future!

Although that probably wouldn't be a very useful talent, which is probably why no one studies toast.

Poor toast, it is just not as useful as tea leaves.

**8:00am **

Lily came to sit next to me.

"Are you talking to your toast?"

"No, of course not, I am not a crazy person!"

Lily just raised her eye brows and flicked her fringe like the fringe flicky person that she is.

"So, any news on the Sex God front?"

"He saw me running like a loon with dogs drool in my hair."

Lily nodded, although she had asked the question she didn't seem to be taking any notice of me and was staring at someone at the far end of the Gryffindor table.

"Oh, that's good," she said distractedly before getting up and leaving me all alone with my toast once more.

What is the matter with that girl? She comes over and starts talking about the Sex God making me get all in a tizz because I remember how much of a prat I have acted in front of him and then she just buggers off, leaving me to talk my problems out with my useless past telling toast once more.

I felt like yelling at her, "Don't go, you need to help me with my Sex God dilemma because you are my only half way normal friend," but I didn't because I had a feeling that the whole hall didn't want to hear about my problems.

**4:52pm**

**In the Common Room**

Peter came and sat next to me, (I think he wanted to copy my charms homework, but I have already given it in early so he can't copy it ha ha ha ha ha!)

"Hey Moony."

"Oh no, not you too."

"Not me too, what?"

"Calling me 'Moony', it is bad enough that Sirius does it. It is the stupidest name ever and it makes people twice a more likely to work out my secret."

"Oh," Peter frowned looking confused, "I thought it was your name now, James and Sirius hardly call you Remus at all any more. I suppose I can stop calling you Moony if you want, but really I don't think anyone will find out that you are a werewolf just because of a nickname. It is kind of hard to imagine that the nice little prefect Remus Lupin is a _werewolf_, erm…even though you are one."

"Right, well whatever just don't call me it."

"Ok, what shall I call you then?"

"Remus is fine."

"Hmm, it's a bit boring though, we should think up another nickname for you if you don't like Moony."

"Why do I need a nickname? No one else has nicknames."

"Well maybe we should think up nicknames for all of us. I will go and see what the other two think."

**5:15pm **

Peter came back with James and Sirius.

"So," Sirius said, "Peter says that you think we should all have ridiculous nicknames to suit your ridiculous nickname. Don't worry Moony; we will be right on it."

"Yeah it will probably be quite difficult to come up with three other nicknames all as ridiculous as 'Moony' but we will try out best." James put in.

Sometimes I wonder why I even bother opening my mouth.

**Saturday 6****th**** January **

**10:45am **

We are now called Moony, Padfoot, Wormtail and Prongs, if people didn't think that we were completely mental beforehand they are defiantly going to think it now.

**6:25pm **

Wow, I am starting to think that Lily may have some uses after all. She has just informed me that Fabian (aka: The Sex God) is in a band!

How cool is that a BAND!

And he is the lead singer. And they are playing at The Three Broomsticks next week.

"What are they called?" I asked Lily eagerly.

"Who?" Lily asked

"Fabian's band, who else?"

"Oh, I don't know, all band names sound the same. Probably something stupid that doesn't make any sense."

On second thoughts Lily isn't that useful really, if she doesn't pick up her act I might have to consider getting rid of her.

**11:45pm **

Oh my God, the Sex God is in a band.

Could he get anymore perfect?

I have to go and see the band play next week.

**11:49pm**

Oooo, what should I wear?

_**AUTHOR NOTES: **__Hugs if you review. Strawberry laces and hugs if you know who Lily was staring at when she wasn't paying attention to poor Remus. Kisses from Remus if you can guess the name of Fabian's band! _


	8. Chapter 8

_**AUTHOR NOTES: **__Hello. Wow, I can't believe it has been about 2 years since I last updated this. I am very sorry, I was only going to have a break from it for a short while, but then time just flew by and before I knew it, it was 2 years later._

_I am sure most of you who have this story on alert have forgotten what it is, but I hope you re-read it and like it as much as you did the first time you read it!_

_I am probably going to look through the first few chapters sometime in the near future and try and make them better and correct any mistakes in them. _

_I hope this chapter is ok; it has been quite a while since I have written in this style, so I hope it worked. _

_Also thanks to everyone that reviewed in the time I haven't been writing, it is really encouraging to know that people are still reading my work. Having reviews from people was one of the reasons why I started writing this again as I felt that I would be letting you all down leaving it half finished and I wouldn't want to do that! _

_Hopefully I will start writing this regularly again, it was really fun to write this chapter after so long, so I am going to make sure I don't ever stop writing for such a long time again! _

_I hope you enjoy the new chapter!_

**Sunday 7****th**** January **

**1:00pm**

**The Gryffindor fifth year boys' dormitory **

I have no friends, not one single friend. The dormitory was empty when I woke up, and although I am quite enjoying the silence, I am a bit peeved off that no one had come to check that I haven't died yet.

**1:07pm**

I might as well be dead, why does no one care?

**1:09pm**

What if I am dead? What if I died in my sleep and woke up dead? How would I know? I could be a ghost; I could be a dead ghost.

My so-called friends will come back from wherever they have been and all they will find is my corpse and my ghost. There will be nothing they can do to save me.

Then they will be sorry for leaving me.

**1:11pm**

I hope I'm not actually a ghost. I am freaking myself out just thinking about it. Perhaps I should try and walk through something just to make sure.

**1:12pm**

Ouch…

Yeah, I'm definitely not a ghost.

**4:00pm**

I saw the Sex God again! And he spoke to me! I love life!

He was sitting in the library looking all hot and thoughtful He has the cutest expression on his face when he is thinking; I just couldn't help staring at him.

He glanced up when he noticed me looking and I had to pretend I was actually looking at a book behind his head (which unfortunately turned out to be a 700 page book on the breading habits of flobber worms, but I don't think he noticed, well I hope not otherwise he will think I have very strange interests.) Luckily I got away with it, he smiled that gorgeous smile of his and said;

"Don't I know you from somewhere?"

I smiled brilliantly back, but in a normal way, not the way that, according to Sirius, makes me look like a deranged lunatic. I have been practicing my 'not a deranged lunatic' grin for a while now, and it much have worked because the Sex God didn't looked freaked out or anything! He was just calmly sitting there waiting for a reply.

"Olives," I said wittily. Fabian laughed at the memory. For the first time in my life I hoped he was actually laughing at me, because anyone who finds the idea of dressing up as stuffed olives funny, is clearly mental.

"Oh yeah, you and your friends are quite strange, aren't you?"

"Hahahahaha of course, who needs friends when you have enemies and all that hoo ha," I burbled. The Sex God looked at me strangely, then packed up his books.

"Well I had better go, maybe see you around," he said.

"Yeah, well I will probably see you at your gig at The Three Broomsticks," I said quickly.

"I will pretend I didn't hear that," he said smiling, "I should really be punishing children who sneak into Hogsmeade, not encouraging it," then he winked at me and left.

Can you believe it? The Sex God winked at me!

I love life!

**4:15pm **

I wonder what the Sex God meant by "children". Does he think I am a child?

I hope not.

**4:16pm**

Did he call me a child?

I am 15 years old, how dare he call me a child!

Stupid sexy Sex God calling me a child.

**4:17pm**

Oh I love him, I love him.

**4:20pm**

I am going to ask Lily what she thinks.

**5:15pm**

"He called you a child?"

"Well no, Lily, he didn't directly…."

"I can't believe he thinks you're a child. He is never going to want to snog you within an inch of your life if he thinks you are a child."

"Actually Lily…"

"Luckily for you I have actually been thinking about the problem of you being so much younger than him for a while," Lily said fiddling absently with her fringe. "I think the reason you aren't getting anywhere with the Sex God is because…."

"I don't ever talk to him, or see him ever, without acting like a prat!"

"No, because you aren't very mature, you have to remember he is 18 years old, he has probably had way more experience than you, which is why I have booked you in for kissing lessons."

"WHAT!"

_**AUTHOR NOTES: **__Thanks for reading, I will try and write the next chapter soon. Please review and tell me what you think._


	9. Chapter 9

**Author Notes: **_Hey I am back again, after a much shorter break this time, than last time! And with a much longer chapter! I'm sorry about how irregular my updating this fic has been, but I have decided I am not going to stop writing it until it is finished, so even if I don't update in a while it doesn't mean I have stopped writing it._

_I hope you enjoy this chapter._

_

* * *

**Sunday 7****th**** January **_

**5:18pm**

"Kissing lessons? Lily have you finally gone over the edge into the realm of the completely insane?"

Lily frowned, she actually looked slightly offended that I didn't seem very grateful for her suggestion. I suddenly had the desire to take her to St. Mungo's and suggest locking her in a padded cell; she was clearly suffering from an incurable madness.

"I'm only trying to help," Lily said folding her arms, her cheeks flushed, clear signs that she was in a huff. "I mean you don't know anything, about anything do you?"

"I know some stuff…"

"Well you don't know anything about kissing…"

"That doesn't mean I want to go to some male prostitute!"

"He isn't a prostitute, you don't pay him. He does it to help people, he's a Hufflepuff," Lily said as though that explained everything.

I just tutted.

"Fine," Lily snapped, in full huff mode now, "if you don't want to go you don't have to. I was only trying to help, but if you want to attempt kissing your Sex God with no experience and risk being so awful that he will never want to kiss you again, that is your problem!"

Sometimes I really hate Lily, especially when she thinks she is doing good.

**6:00pm**

Surely I won't be that bad at kissing. The back of your hand is all the practice you need, right?

Right?

**Monday 8****th**** January **

**4:27pm**

For some reason I have found myself outside of the Hufflepuff common room waiting for Anthony Garner (the supposed kissing expert) to let me in.

Lily was ridiculously smug that I changed my mind about getting these kissing lessons, so smug that I almost changed my mind back again just to annoy her.

"I knew you needed them, I knew it, I am such a wise friend," she babbled on fiddling with her fringe the whole time, with a stupid grin on her face. I had to fight all my natural instincts to pull her hand away from her hair because if I did that she would probably go into huff mode again and I did want to know a bit more about the strange person who thought giving kissing lessons was some kind of good deed.

After a few minutes of Lily talking complete nonsense she finally got to what I wanted to hear, "he's a nice person, a sixth year, he usually just gives kissing lessons to girls, but he didn't seem to mind that you are a boy, in fact he seemed quite pleased about it."

"Did you ever go to him for lessons?" I asked.

Lily didn't reply but went bright red and stuttered something about having to feed her cat and left. Which, I have to say, answered that question. She doesn't have a cat.

**4:31pm **

Anthony Garner still hasn't shown up, he was supposed to meet me at half past, it is really quite rude to be late, I didn't expect it of a Hufflepuff.

Maybe I should just leave. This really is not a good idea, if anyone found out I was even thinking about doing this it would be a nightmare.

Sirius asked where I was going just before I left and I had to make up some lie about wanting to be extra prepared for our NEWTs so I was going to start studying a few years in advance. Quite a good lie but I knew he didn't believe me for a second, Sirius always knows when I am not telling the truth, it is quite scary really. Hopefully he doesn't try to torture the truth out of me, I can just imagine the look on his face if he found out I was having kissing lessons….

Oh dear, I really should not be doing this.

**4:33pm **

"You're Remus right?" A blonde boy who had just turned up asked, I assumed that he was Anthony (about time too if you ask me) and nodded.

"Cool," he smiled, "come through."

I had never been in the Hufflepuff common room before and would have been quite excited, if it wasn't for the nerves I was starting to feel, in a few moments time I was going to have my first ever kiss.

We walked into his room, he shares it with three other boys just like I do, but it is weirdly tidy. Our bedroom often looks like a bomb has hit it; you can't walk two feet without having to step over someone's dirty clothes, or piles of books, or half finished homework. There was nothing like that in Anthony's bedroom, it was about as opposite to our bedroom as you could get, there was nothing on the floor and all the beds were neatly made. I was slightly freaked out; surely boys' bedrooms are not supposed to look like this.

Maybe it's a Hufflepuff thing.

Or maybe Anthony tidied up especially for me, though I don't know why he would.

Anthony went to sit on one of the beds, which I guessed was his, and looked up at me without saying anything. I decided the best thing to do was to sit next to him, mainly because if he kept staring at me like that I would not be able to control the urge to do a stupid dance or something.

As soon as I sat down I turned to face the blonde boy, he had a really serious look on his face and I had to stop myself from laughing. All I kept thinking was what a stupid idea this was, not just for me to have kissing lessons, but for anyone to have kissing lessons. It is just not normal; surely I wanted my first kiss to be with someone I actually have feelings for, not some random Hufflepuff. I also could not get the thought of Sirius's laughter, which is sure to come when he finds out about this, out of my head. I almost got up to leave, but just as I was about to go Anthony tilted my face towards his, then he leant in.

**8:00pm **

Well it happened; I am officially a gay man. I have been kissed by another bloke.

No one has really noticed the change in me though, when I got back to our dormitory all I got was a "where have you been?" from James and he didn't even wait for an answer he just filled me in on the latest prank that they are pulling, (something to do with the giant squid, and the Slytherin quidditch team, I wasn't really listening, but it will surely fail.)

**8:30pm**

Kissing Anthony was quite weird, he seemed very eager to put his tongue in my mouth for some reason, and he was all slimy like a whelk. I'm not sure he is qualified to be giving kissing lessons; he doesn't seem like a very good kisser. Although he did say I was a natural, so maybe he does know what he is talking about.

**8:45pm**

The kissing lesson went on a lot longer than I thought it would, I thought it would be over pretty quickly, but once I managed to get Anthony to stop kissing me (he was very keen) he kept wanting to talk to me and I couldn't find a way to escape for ages.

"You are so cool Remus," he said, "you don't care what anyone thinks. You just be yourself, everyone knows you are gay and you don't mind. I think you are so awesome that you are so comfortable with yourself." As much as I enjoy complements I thought that this was going a bit over the top, especially because if he knew about my furry little problem he would know that none of what he just said was true, not that he would ever find out about that if I could help it.

"Mmm," I said in reply, wiping his mouth slime off my lips with the back of my hand.

"You know I really like you," for a second I had no idea what he was talking about and I didn't get much time to think about it because he started kissing me again. Once I had finally managed to push him off he said;

"Go out with me this weekend?"

"What?" I said cleverly, "I thought you kissed girls."

"I do, but just to help them, not because I enjoy it, I'm gay like you. So what do you think? How about Saturday night?"

"Oh sorry, I can't do Saturday night I'm a very busy person," I said happy that he had picked the only day of the week that I actually had plans for, "I am seeing Fabian Prewett's band play at the Three Broomsticks that night. I am sorry I have to go now, maybe I will see you around."

"Yeah maybe I will see you at the Three Broomsticks," Anthony replied as I hurriedly left.

I hope I don't see him there, I think he seems to like me a bit much, it is quite sad he doesn't even know me.

I'm sure he will forget about it won't he?

Oh Merlin, I hope I haven't gone and accidentally gained a boyfriend.

**12:02am**

Sirius just climbed (well bounced) into my bed, almost sending me shooting off the other side, these beds really are only meant for one person, as I keep saying.

"Hey Moony, are you awake?" I briefly wondered if I should close my eyes and pretend to snore, but I thought better of it as I kind of wanted to know what he was doing in my bed in the middle of the night.

"No," I whispered back.

"Good," he stays silent for a minute then he says, "why are you keeping secrets from us? You disappeared today and you have been acting weird ever since you came back."

"Erm… I haven't been weird," I protest. I hate lying to Sirius (mainly because I can't do it very well) but under no circumstances must he find out about the kissing lessons. If he did he would never let it drop for the rest of my life.

"Fine don't tell me," he pouted, "but I want you to know Mr Moony that I will find out one day."

I am slightly worried now, Sirius is good at finding out secrets, I must warn Lily not to get tricked into telling him.

**12:07am**

Why, instead of leaving after our conversation, does Sirius think it is a good idea to put his head on my chest and fall asleep?

Does he have something against sleeping in a bed on his own?

Ah well, it is not that bad, at least there is only one of him and he isn't in Padfoot form. He actually looks kind of sweet when he is asleep and he doesn't seem to smell of his usual odour of wet dog, he actually smells quite good.

Maybe he had a shower.

That's nice.

* * *

**Author Notes:** _I have realised after reading this through that Anthony might seem a bit strange especially as he is gay and gives girls kissing lessons, for that I really don't have much of an explanation except that he actually thinks he is very good at giving people tips about how to kiss well and just wants to help people out! _

_Please review and tell me what you think I always want to know, even if you didn't like it. _


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